Expectations. It’s helpful to have expectations sometimes: at dinner an expectation like, “You will shop and I will cook,” makes life smoother and avoids both of you coming home with a mountain of groceries. But we all have invisible expectations. You’ll comfort me when I cry. I’ll change the tires on your car. These invisible expectations can get us into trouble. Learn to see expectations you didn’t know you had, and understand how those expectations set you up for success or failure.

Friendship. You want to feel understood by your spouse. Marriage is more fun when you feel you have a confidant to keep you company after a bad day. When you don’t feel understood you get guarded and uptight. This can cause your relationship to get stiff or formal and you stop sharing secrets or withhold information. Moments when there is a lack of understanding happen in life, so it’s good to learn habits that guide the return of relaxation and ease. When you can laugh together you’ll feel more bonded.

Partnership. You want to feel safe with your spouse. Marriage eases the stress when you know you’ve got a teammate who will rescue you when your car breaks down.
When you don’t feel safe you worry who’ll help when trouble arises. Insecurity in your relationship can cause you to feel like things aren’t fair and you’ll keep score of little things or get greedy when it comes to sharing. If you’re going to spend your life together you’ll certainly face a few troubles, so it’s good to learn habits that will anchor you as teammates so you face problems together. You’ll feel energized and fulfilled when you accomplish life together.

Lovers. You want to feel wanted by your spouse. Marriage lubricates life’s tiny stresses when you are well anchored in affection and have a passionate partner. When you don’t feel wanted passion dies and you get bored or begin to look elsewhere. Resentments build easily and you look at other relationships with envy. Life will be boring at times so it’s important to cultivate habits that feed your zest for life. You’ll feel confident when you approach
life as a shared adventure. And where adventure and zest are alive and well, there is always more sex.

Communicate. You want communication to be easy. We love each other, so this shouldn’t feel like work, right? Well… the love you feel is filled with all sorts of invisible expectations as I’ve already mentioned. Almost every couple says to me, “We need to communicate better,” but what does that mean? You’ll learn to listen with gentle purpose and develop habits to help you reveal what didn’t feel like it needed to get said. When you feel heard and you are able to talk comfortably, the little gremlins that haunt your relationship have no where to hide and connection is easier.

Prioritize. Your want to feel like you are a priority in your mate’s life. Sometimes your spouse says you’re a priority but you don’t feel like a priority. You know that prioritizing your mate is key. But how do you make your actions reflect your intentions? Knowing you matter isn’t the same as feeling like you matter. You’ll learn habits that, when repeated, make your spouse feel important to you and you’ll be able to identify habits your partner can practice that lets you know that you matter to them.

Attract. You want to know your mate is attracted to you and you want to feel attracted to them. But after a long work week you just want to spend the weekend in your
jammies watching TV. What is the value of attraction? Are you shallow if you think your spouse looks good for everyone but you? How can you make sure you’ll be more attracted to your spouse the longer you live together? Learn gentle habits so you can increase the attraction you feel.